Woman doubts if she should pick up his 11-year-old stepdaughter's birthday cake after boyfriend claims he's leaving her: 'For four years I've been dealing with these types of blow ups'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Sep 9, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

It is rarely an easy process to end a relationship, and this is doubly true if there are children involved. When this is the case, it is not only the feelings of the couple at stake but also those of the kids, who are, for the most part, not at fault for whatever has failed in a connection between two adults.

Nonetheless, it is all too common for children to be caught in the crossfire of a relationship that is reaching its end. If it is messy, it is almost guaranteed that they are going to receive some of the fallout. It isn't fair, but at times it winds up being unavoidable.

As an adult in this situation, one of the most important parts of walking away has to be minimizing the negative impact on any kids involved. Obviously, this is not always possible, but there are some things that can be done to soften the blow. 

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  • 01
    a man and a woman sit at opposite ends of a couch, looking at their phones
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • This was a dilemma that one woman was faced with after her boyfriend announced that he would soon be leaving her after several years of an unhappy relationship. The issue was that the younger of his two daughters was celebrating her birthday, and he expected her to pick up the cake.

    Throughout the duration of the relationship, the woman had assumed a stepmom role with the two girls, so she felt some responsibility towards them. At the same time, she resented doing any more favors for her soon-to-be ex. She wanted a second opinion.

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    Would I be wrong for not taking my boyfriend to get his daughter's cake for her birthday?

    My boyfriend (41m)... Or ex now, I guess... Has been fighting with me (40f) this whole week. 3 giant blow ups since Tuesday night. With minor ones in between. Berating me, talking over me, insulting me, threatening me, blackmailing me maybe??? And I've just had enough.
    via GratValuePopcorn
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    Now to explain why I might not be getting the cake. We all live together in a studio (again, context in my other post) He has two daughters (11 and 14) and his youngest's birthday is... Well it's today (Monday the 8th) as of writing this at 3 in the morning... And at around 8:30pm Sunday he told me he's leaving
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    this coming weekend. I was confused. I thought maybe he was going to visit someone, maybe his mom or something? Her health hasn't been great. So I asked him to explain, and he said he's just leaving this weekend. And he's not coming back. I was just like... OK. That's your decision I guess. He wouldn't say where he was going, just that he's leaving and he won't have to pay anything to live there. Lol,
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    and that's when he started berating me. So many insults came at me, I didn't know what to do, so I just kept saying to go, I don't care. I'll give him back partial rent and he can leave. He's ped about having to pay rent here. Holds it over my head all the time.
    via GreatValuePopcorn
  • 06
    two young girls embrace while facing the camera outside
    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 07
    For four years I've been dealing with these types of blow ups, insults, and everything else. And some how, I got roped into taking care of his two kids on a regular basis. This includes driving them everywhere, to and from school, the store, playgrounds, anywhere. I also spend my EBT (I'm dis ed, again, context in the other post) on them. Any money I've gotten, at least some of it has gone to him or the kids.
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    I'm the only one that cooks real meals. I'm the one who does most of the cleaning. I've even had to deal with childhood tantrums, cleaning up vomit, taking care of their hair, helping them shower when they were younger, so much sh..
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    But to him?? No no, I'm a lazy, useless piece of sh and no one would ever love me again. A black hole in his life. A void of darkness.
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    All of this and he still expects me to pick up his kids this week and get the cake. But what if I didn't? His actions are going to directly impact his kids. And he's going to tell them that I've always hated their guts and I'm doing this to spite them. He said that's what he's going to tell them if I don't go and get the cake. What am I supposed to do? I've got 12 hours to decide.
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    Would I be the ah le if I didn't do it and his daughter suffers from his behavior? Is this going too far? Edit: since I think I confused some people. He's not leaving now, it's next weekend, so 5 days from now. He's still expecting me to do all these things while he's still here. Including the cake. Also his kid's mother is in the picture, but they live here the majority of the time.
    via GreatValuePopcorn
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    a chocolate cake with "happy birthday" iced on it
    via Stephen Wheeler
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    Commenters had different opinions, although many felt she should make an effort for the kids.

    CraZKatLayD He lives with you AND his children and is upset that he has to pay rent??? What an a. Don't give him back ANY rent money. You definitely don't need to buy him/his children anything, especially as he's made his intentions clear. I do feel sorry for his children though. You've been a steady mother figure for four years. His tearing them away from you will be hard on them (and you). He's such an a
    via CraZKatLayD
  • 14
    Intrepid Much Let him tell his kids whatever he wants to tell them. He, their father, is making the choice to hurt them, not you. Have you seriously been living with this ab e for four years????
    via IntrepidMuch
  • 15
    Vallhalla_Rising The kids are completely innocent in this. Be kind to them in this final week. Let them know this wasn't your decision and you'll miss them. Sounds like they'll need all the kind words they can get with a father like that.
    via Vallhalla_Rising
  • 16
    Perfect-Day-3431 Not your kids, he doesn't get to dump his responsibilities on you when he said he isn't coming back. Block them all, not your problem.
    via Perfect-Day-3431
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    No-Grass4965 Get the cake, a little gift card for a coffee or perfume. I'd try to not let this be any harder on the kids especially not today. A little more kindness in child's life is so needed. You will always be remembered for the way you treated them even when things were falling apart. Tomorrow deal with him not the kids. I know they aren't
    via No-Grass4965
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    yours but it sounds like you have been a mainstay in their lives for a while. Breaking up with him sounds like what you need and what's for the best. Wishing you all the best in your life moving forward.
    via No-Grass4965
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    No_Dot6963 NTA, but take back your power. Tell him that you don't want him to stay until the weekend-he can go ahead and leave now. After all the horrible things he said about you, it's time for him to skedaddle. You don't feel safe living with his verbally ab ive a$s if he's not there, the kids aren't there and the cake is a nonissue.
    via No_Dot6963
  • 20
    YellowBeastJeep Nope. You don't owe him any favors He's going to tell the kids whatever, and that is a shame because it will hurt them, but that is not your responsibility. Do not do anything for him from here on out.
    via YellowBeastJeep
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    Additionally, do not give him any portion of the rent back. He needed to give some kind of notice that he was leaving, and he did not do that. Therefore, he forfeits any rent which he has already paid, and any deposit which he might be thinking he's going to get back.
    via YellowBeastJeep
  • 22
    Graycy Be sure to treat the girls kindly. It's not their fault. I'd get the cake, to be kind to the girl. Kids have feelings and internalize things too.
    via Graycy
  • 23
    Physical_Orchid3616 This is all very petty. Shameful that you two are squabbling over a child's birthday cake. You only decide to put your foot down when it involves one of the children? great timing. get the effing birthday cake. dont help to ruin her birthday. your issues with him shouldn't wreck the girls day. get her the cake, then dump his a.
    via Physical_Orchid3616
  • 24
    Own-Objective-89 Get the cake because the kid deserves it and it isn't a huge lift. I hope she has a good birthday in spite of all of this. But yeah ditch his sorry a asap otherwise. I haven't been in your shoes but have definitely been leaned on far too much for someone else's kid in the past. I have zero regrets about doing nice things for the kids and it meant a lot to them, especially the things that were done in times when one of them didn't feel like she could count on her parents (because
    via Own-Objective-89

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boyfriend aita birthday relationships stepdaughter argument family birthday cake breakup reddit thread daughter Reddit
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